EATING TIME

When it comes to trying new things foodwise I am right there. I am Johnny on the spot.And more often than not it turns out for the better. Though a time or two here in PRC and in Saigon, I almost lived to regret my enthusiasum for trying new dishes, many of which were unidentifible.
Of course many times it is the indentifible ones that will turn you inside out. The unidentifible ones are always good for a game of "guess the mystery meat", or "what is on that stick?" Unfortunately China doesn't have too many unidentifible meats on a stick. No, it is quite easy to tell what is going down the gullet. And it ain't often pretty.
Why right next to my school's gate they got the Bar-B-Que set up. And they are selling little birds on a stick; whole birds, mind you. Now if you ask they'll tell you they are sparrows-I'll let in on a little secret here. in this part of China, hell maybe all over it, many believe sparrows have Viagra like powers, but chances are they are baby chicks. Now I don't believe I have ever seen a dead, gutted, shoved on a stick, ready for 'Queing sparrow before. But I have it on good authority that a sparrow done up in such a manner, as previously described, looks awfully similiar to a a chick ready for the 'Que; of which I have seen many and tried to get a taste for, once.
The way I look at it BBQ is BBQ. Though now I have a list of exceptions to this rule and well Chinese BBQ'ed baby chicks or 'sparrow' are on it. At this time they are the only such exception. However, they might come off the list if I get the bottle of 'Queing sauce I've been a hankering for, or some ranch sauce. Either one of these things will make dam near anything taste good enough to keep down. And this is a vital element when eating mystery meat, on a stick, or otherwise.
This brings me back to the point want to get to which is in China there are very few mystery meats. No sir, there is little opportunity to pretend you are eating something you are not. It is quite impossible to imagine you are eating a plump, juicy, juices running down your arm, South Side Chicago brat, with all the love that a wonderful Italian hard-roll can hold, when you are face-to-face with a chicken's foot, or claw. Especially if said foot still has the toe nail on it-side note: I am willing to show any and all the proper way to de-claw a 'Qued, pickled, fried, presevered, or Wal-Mart vaccumed packed chicken's foot, with one's mouth of course. No, it is not easy at all.
And so as I sit here turkey-less I thought I might list all the non-traditional holiday foods I have crossed paths with over the last year or so: fish brains, cow stomach, cow intestines, fish eye soup, chicken claws, boilded pig brains, pig's feet, nose, ear and nuckle, fish head, grubs, grasshopper, scorpion, camel on a stick, dog, stew cat-pan fried,
alligator,sea horse, and star fish. I can say that unfortunatily most did not taste like chicken, though the gator did. And so I wish you all happy Holidays.

1. Cheese
2. pizza
3. popcorn (they have some sweet popcorn here, not a fan)
4. TV (especially The Daily Show, Football, Simpsons, CSI)
5. Driving
6. Beavers Baseball (and 2$ beer night)
7. Mt. Hood
8. My family
9. Bar-B-Que:Hotdogs, homemade hamburgers (They BBQ here but it isn't the same)
10. Pubs, bars with ESPN or Fox Sports on and with no Karaoke)
11. Books, libraries, newspapers and magazines(in english)
12. Getting mail (even junk mail or the neighbors by mistake)
13. my cats
14. naughty bars
15. good beer, bad booze
16.non sweet ketchup(They say ketchup is a Chinese word. Go figure)
17. Movie rentals(DVD releases)
18. software in english
19. my tools( I can't fix anything here. I have to have someone do almost everything for me)
20. Garbage pick-up(the new neighbors think I'm the trash guy)
21. Clean streets and rivers
22. Mexican food (salsa and fajitas)
23. Non-chinese, non-fast food restaurants
24. Sandwiches(any kind as long as they have meat and cheese)
25. non-crappy non-euro trash music

I almost forgot to mention the number one thing it takes getting use to here in China, as side from the anarchy that is driving; the bathrooms.

They come with with a varied features, but usually they all have only one smell. The features range from little more than a missing wooden plank over a hole or drainage ditch (which inevitability leads to a creek, river or stream) to more modern and Western style facilities (which inevitability leads to a creek, river or stream). Some have paper, most don't, so bring your own or you will suffer mightily. Many have piles of used paper and other items like tampons, trash as well as things that fall into your guess is as good as mine, piled in a corner or around a trash bucket.

Most of the ones outdoors have the usual spiders with their webs, as well as other creatures, like mosquitoes, moths, lizards and local Chinese bugs mostly big, black, or small brown and neither very attractive as bugs nor at this time identifiable.

Indoor johns are usually little better. The condition of their pleasantness proportional to how nice the business or house is, i.e. either loads of money and close to Western standards or not. Some even have sitters and not squatters. The really nice ones even have soap and a hand drier, but not one have I found with hot water (which is for making soup or tea).

The one thing most of them have in common whether indoor or out, Chinese style or Western, is the stench. Sometimes it is light and dainty, like a hint of tarragon or a sprig or cilantro in some horrid and putrid dish. If this is the case it is due to air freshener of some kind and some workers or home makers elbow grease. Most times however, it is overpowering and punishing, like a blow to the head, The first couple of times I utilized a Chinese facility I was sucker punched by the stench and once or twice gagged, almost vomited and was almost brought to my knees.

Now I proceed with caution, the only suprises now are when someone leaves a gift lying around. And it is still a bit shocking to walk in and see someone squatting minding their own business. This is due to the fact that most hoppers are like high school, no doors. And God and everyone can see you. Let me tell you, as shocking as it is for me to see them, it is doubly shocking to them to see me minding my business.

Any more I try to save my important business for home or if I must someplace like McDonald's (which is Chinese style, but it has doors and is usually on the light and dainty side when it comes to any assault on the ole nose. Either one of these cuts down on olfactory overload and on running into too many suprising that comes with China living.

Living in China there are a few things one must get use. Things such as the bathrooms, especially the outdoor ones (of which there are many), which have no stool, little paper, but plenty of aroma. Then there is the chicken's feet. YOu can get them on sticks, in a bag or at a BBQ. They are everywhere (even in the Wal-Mart in Xiamen). Suprisingly they don't taste like chicken.
There is the ever present stares, borne from extreme curiosity and excitement at seeing a "loa why" (This is what it sounds like to me) or a foreigner so close and in the flesh.
Then there are the bus drivers, well any driver for that matter, they think they are F1 drivers and every other vehicle must be past. Sometimes it is on the left and sometimes it is on the right. Sometimes they stay in their own lane and crowd everyone over to the right. Sometimes they go into the on coming traffic's lane and crowd them over to the right. The rule seems to follow the NBA, who ever gets to an open space first can occupy it even if the space is in the middle of oncoming traffic. Sometimes they speed up and cut every one else off. Other times they get really close to the car or truck they are passing and as they pass the vehicle they honk long and loud and move even closer to the vehicle they are passing, until it falls back or pulls over. The suprising thing about all this there is no Road Rage. Other than the passed vehicle comes charging back pulling the same passing stunt, but no one pulls out a gun or follows the offending driver for miles yelling and shouting and generally being a nuisance. Of course they could be because they are nuisances. They are all menaces to the road. As for walkers, bike riders and any smaller vehicles are looked at as obstacles or extras in some weird Chinese video game. Hit enough or scare off enough and you get an another life. The bus drivers often drive like they are behind the wheel of a Mazzeratti, not a 4 and 1/2 ton public bus with shitty suspension, so-so tires and at least one 1/2 scared passenger when ever I am on it.
Riding in the front of vehicles takes some getting use to. How much time it takes I am not sure. I am still scared shitless everytime they jam into the front. (literally since I am so huge and the fronts are so small). It is usually not the person driving that is the scary one, though that is not a clear cut rule. It is the other drivers, swerving into your land, darting out in front of you from side streets, walkers suddenly appearing from somewhere, motor bikes weaving in and out cars and trucks usually with great aplomb, but also dangerously close to hitting some car, bus, walker, street stand, or building. And yet despite many close calls, every driver seems to retain an aire of suavity sort of like Carey Grant in "To Catch a Thief". For me I often find my self turning to the right and looking at the people walking or I even close my eyes if it gets too crazy, which it often does. I think the worse thing is when I am on a pedi-cab and it suddenly swerves into oncoming traffic or makes a u-turn. I try to avoid them if I can. It is not always possible as the people I am with want to ride in them. There are more things to get use to and I will write on them later.